I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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