I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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