Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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