Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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