the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
