i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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