Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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