Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
