on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
