I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
