Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
