Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
