i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Bring me that man meat
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
