I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
