Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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