the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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