Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Someone shattered a urinal.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
