My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
