Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
