i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
