so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
