I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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