We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
