you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
