Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
