I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
