I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
