I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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