every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
