What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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