TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
