I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
