allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
