Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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