hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
