I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
