in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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