i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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