i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
