Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
