Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
