I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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