Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
