i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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