Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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