i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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