so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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