can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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