I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
