I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
