im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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