I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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