Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize