and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
