upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
