So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
