At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
