I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize