dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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